There's always something happening on Ration Road. Home of the D'Brays. Pull up a chair and grab a cuppa to catch up with the latest going on with Chris Her Husband Jack and Children, Mitchell, Athena and Tarquin Keanu.
Hey, it's all kicked off our way since I last chatted with you. I am pleased first and foremost to tell you that Phyllis Hollows and Mertyl Clegg have both left the Legion. I say left - they were given the boot. Gay Adrian has gone back in there as the steward. He was full of the joys of Spring when he moved back in. He said "Ooh you should see the muck in the kitchen. To think that filthy bitch did me a root canal before she retired. I wouldn't let her tackle the Manchester Ship Canal now after seeing the toilet bowl."
I know he is bothered that he has to juggle looking after his new cafe and the Legion at the same time. My best friend Joanie Pollitt said he had nothing to worry about as she was more than capable of running the cafe. - Yes she is - into the ground. She is very messy at work, if you want to know what specials are on just look on her apron. Or her chin.
So it turns out Phyllis and Mertyl were busted by the Weights and Measures people. I think it might have been my husband Jack who repaid he drank fifteen pints of Boddingtons in there and didn't even get a sway on let alone a stagger. He still managed to twang Morag McDowell's bra strap as she was picking up her Cherry B and lemonade. She said he was an ignorant savage and a mysogonistic pig - He said "Thanks love". So, it turns out that they had been adding water to just about everything. The official who took their licence was not impressed with her claim that they were doing it in an effort to reduce alcoholism in Wigan. The official said "Did you give any of the proceeds to any charity?" Mertyl Clefgg said "Did I fuck." She did not respond well to him manhandling her shouting "I was a magistrate you know - so I know my rights. I also know Tony and Cherie - VERY WELL."
The official said "Tony and Cherie who?"
"Blair - Blair - Blair"
The official said she shouldn't announce that too loudly as they were toxic and were not interested in helping people, only invading countries and depriving people of their right to exist."
It didn't take long before the removal van came. I saw all of their belongings being carted onto the van. Talk about a load of junk. A three legged table. It did have four but one fell into a pile of dog muck and the removal man said to his mate "Fuck that, I'm not picking that up." They even took the tampon bin from the ladies. Which I think is a diabolical liberty. Joanie said that they would take the lid off and use it as a room deoderiser.
Well before you knew it the whole street was out rubber necking and giving their posessions a running commentary. Audrey Litherland was the harshest critic. She claimed all of the furniture was only fit for the skip. She said lesbians had no style. I think it's not everyone that can pull off dungerees and a duffel coat. Audrey is so stuck up, unwisely because she doesn't have the means to go with it. She did once upon a time. But look at her now, living on Ration Row on a pension. She had M and S carrier bags. Yes, plenty of them. But they are full of Farm Foods grub. I caught her in the Cancer Research shop trying a dress on. She was clearly distressed at being found out. She exclaimed behind a scarlet face "It's for a fancy dress Christine" I said "What you going as? A slag?"
So then I had a terrible shock. My Daughter, Athena, as you know is now living with Tripod and their child. They moved into their own hovel a few months ago. It's on the 12th floor. So she asked if I would look after Tripod's motorbike. He is no longer in the Wigan Chapter of the Hell's Angels and the flats where they live don't have any parking. So I agreed. Well, within a few weeks the whole thing was a pile of rust. Leaking oil, the exhaust was hanging off, the headlight had fell into my garden pot where I grow Bizzie Lizzies and both tyres were as flat as a witches tit. I asked Bobby Isherwood if he could find a buyer at his shop only to be laughed at and told "Don't be stupid Chris, your fanny is in better nick than that and that's saying something. Who wants a Honda 50 from 1987?"
So I took it to the canal when it got dark and chucked it. A couple were having it off in a Ford Escort. She had one leg out of the window and the other kept knocking the indicator on and off. It was like a frigging disco at the canal bank. I wish the window wasn't down becaus she kept on wailing and saying "Nearly, that's it - go on."
When I had disposed of the bike I heard her say "Jesus - I'll never get that off the upholstery now. Did you have to?"
I smiled at her as I passed and said "Try Swarfega"
She said "Fuck off you pervy bitch." Which i feigned indifference at because it is hard to take anyone seriously when they are talking to you with one leg out of a car door with a pair of pants hanging off a stilletto heel.
Next day Athena came to mine as she always does on a Monday. She wanted to use the washing machine as hers was on its last legs. She said she thought some of her bra underwires had been eaten by it and now it got suck on the final spin. She said she wanted the motorbike back because they needed to sell it. They had a buyer. He was going to pay £300 for it as it was retro. Tripod had bought a Ford Escort and was going to be doing Airport Runs. "Oh Aye" I said. To pay for the car they had used their housing benefit and would have to replace it quick sticks.
Well I have never been spoken to like that in my life. She called me stupid, thick, selfish, greedy, thieving, conniving and a hopeless mother. She still waited for her underwear to finish in the washer and ate a packet of Jammy Dodgers watching 'Homes under the hammer.' I offered to lend her the money with very minimal interest. She added 'loan shark' to the list of insults. But I have bitten like that before. When I lent Esme Glover an Elkie Brooks LP and she sent it back with a big scratch on "Pearl's A Singer." My Mother had always said "Neither a borrower nor a lender be." Which was stupid really as she was always in hock to Feldman's Pawnbroker. Who she was on first name terms with. I think he was called Cunty. Well that's what she always called him.
After that she slammed the door and hurried up the street. I follewed her and stood in the Spar doorway whilst she was telling Cora from the Crest Of The Wave chip shop all about it. Cora is very two faced. She kept saying "Never" and "Really?". At one point Athena said "She has never been much of a Mother. She was pen friends with Rose West."
Well that's a lie for a start - it was Fred, until he died. More to the point Cora has always slagged Athena off since she went Vegitarian, saying that they were all sandal wearing, tree hugging lefties. Cora said "Well I best get gone - the pickled egg man is due at three and I need to make some batter."
I thought I was not going to confront either of them in the street. A because Cora scares the shit out of me and B Audrey was cleaning her windows.
So, a few days later I picked up the mail and got a solicitor's letter from Cummings And Rimmers At Law. They were representing Athena D'Bray and Raymond Evans (Tripod) and they wanted an out of court settlement of £400 for the bike and £600 for distress and loss of earnings. The last time that waste of space had a job it was as a pit pony's groomer. I had until 5pm that day to offer "Full payment" or they would be taking me to the small claims court.
I did what any self respecting citizen would do - Got pissed on Traitor's Gate Gin. By the time Jackk got home I was legless. He was gobsmacked. Of course he blamed Tripod. But our Jack is nothing if not resourceful. "Come on girl" he said - "Come with me"
Next thing you know we are at the canal. He said - That useless streak of piss can have his bloody bike back" I was most impressed at his assertiveness. He took his coat of and hung it on a nearby shopping trolley. "Are you going in love? In this cold January afternoon?" He said "Am I bloody hell - you lobbed the bastard thing in, you can get it out."
I knew where it was located because I could see the registration plate just under the water. With my iimited feminine strength I hadn't been able to throw it far. The tiny distance I did reach made me pull a muscle in my ham string. I went into the icy water and gingerly waded toward the wretched bike. Just then a barge went past and made the water swell. I slipped and was up to my armpits in the mire. My foot somehow had got stuck under a mudguard. So I was left floundering and hopping. I called to Jack who was talking to the barge driver about Diesel. He came to my aid by thowing me a line of rope. What a journey home. The shame of passing so many friends in the street. Looking like that. That yound man I had an affair with years ago - Justin - The Chiropodist - Said "Going up in the world Chris - Nice wheels"
I didn't care about him. That's not strictly true, he is an amazing lover and he helped my bunion.
When we got home I was quick to undress. Jack said "Do you have to? In here?"
I ignored him and stripped off. I said "Oh no my new slip it's ruined - No! my new bra - the cups are all full of mud."
He said "Watch the carpet in your case, that's a lot of mud."
Of course Jack did the best bit - taking the bike back. They were not happy. he said she was going to tell the poice that Jack fingered her when she was was in the Majorettes. He told her she can tell them he fucked her in the Vatican if she liked. No one would believe her.
Within 48 hours I had a court summons. I was to attend on the next day 9am. I was furious at that. That would mean I would miss Lorraine Kelly. So this morning I was up bright and early and went to court. My Aunty Maxine works there. She is a cleaner. I've never liked her. She is my Father's (Jebodiah D'Bray) Sister. She saw me and leant on her mop as I sat outside the court. "By the Gods. The apple didn't fall far from the tree did it? Your Father spend as much time in here as the judges do. When she went into the gents I hurridly pissed in her mop bucket.
I felt sick the second I saw my daughter enter the court building. She was on crutches for maximum effect. I thought I was going to vomit so I ran into the ladies. As I sat there defecating I heard two sets of high heels clicking and two women chatting.
"I think it will clear up with Caneston Joyce, especially if you use this pesary as well."
Joyce went into the cubicle next to mine. I heard her start to flow
"Ooh Wendy it's stinging to buggery. Do I put that thing in now? My lips are throbbing like a rabbit's nose."
"Yes Joyce get it over - by the way what you dealing with today?"
"I've got this dead common woman called Athena and her imbecile partner who are extorting her mothe for a grand. I think I might go forr a criminal hearing because she chucked his motorbike in the canal."
I then heard papers rustling.
"Wendy I am dealing with that D'Bray case, I'll refer it to the CPS. I think that pesary is working it's alredy eased a bit."
And that is ecactly what Wendy Parsons did. A weel later I was in the magistrates court for fly tipping, vandalism and poluting council water. She couldn't get the indecency charge to stick. Not ony have I had to pay Athena £1000 which is an outrage. Because they used most of it on a weekend in Belfast. Then in a final body blow Wendy Parsons handed down 100 hours of community service. Carrying out vital repairs to the Canal. I have retrieved 18 shopping trollies, (9 Asda 4 Iceland 3 Morrisons 1 Sainsbury's and 1 Tesco) One dog freshly drowned, one dog skeleton (In laundry bag with paving slab tied to it, one Vauxhall Astra engine, two microwave ovens, one Zanussi washer (I took the glass door off so I could use it for making a pie) countless condoms tied with contents stil inside - the local whore's use the canal banks at night - so I was worried I might find one of them in the canal as well. I also found the springs from a matress, the material had rotted. That might have been mine and Jack's that we threw in there in 1999 after I had gastro enteritis and one of the flowers on the pattern became unidentifiable. Then just before my ten hours were up I found a bomb. That's right - a bomb. Cyril - the supervisor shouted "Get out of the canal you silly bitch - stop kicking it - If that goes off we'll end up in in Ince."
I made the front page of the Wigan Chronicle the next day. Turns out one of Adolf's lot got lost finding his way back from Liverpool and he dropped the bomb in 1945. It was live and we could have all been blown to kingdom come. As a reward Cyril said I had two options penalty wise. I could do two or three hours a day for longer or ten sets of ten hours. I elected to get it out of the way all in one go. Why I couldn't have been spared the community service completely after my heroism I don't know. But for the next nine days I worked like I dog. I have painted the locks, I have cleared a drugs den in the bushes. planted flowers and given Cyril the best blow job he has ever had. It took him ages to climax. He said he was 70 and it would be good to have one last orgasm. He kept going limp in my mouth which hampered things a bit and made my jaw ache getting him back to stiffness. He said his wife refused to do oral because her mouth was not a toilet. Who cares about her. She is in a care home stinking of piss thinking she is one of the Beverley Sisters.
Right - my bath is run and I am going to have a good soak to try and get the stench of hard labour off my body. Athena and Tripod are coming for Tea. As are Mitchell and his lover Warwick - They are back on again. I have decided to forgive and forget. Well I have told them that. I have added some dulcolax to their food so tomorrow I will have the last laugh. Tarquin Keanu, my youngest is currently at his gender dysmorphia support group. He said today that he wants to be known as Susan and start wearing a dress. He can piss off....
I am not having a man wearing women's clothes in this house!
Until next time