I was walking down Frog Lane this morning with Joanie Pollitt. She had been to the GUM clinic again. She has the clap. Mrs. Turton who is the nurse there says Joanie has had clap so many times that she treats her for applause. On the way back I saw Cora from the 'Crest Of The Wave' chip shop snogging with a woman! In full view of all the pensioners waiting outside the Post Office to get their pensions. The two twin Sisters who live on our road were horrified. Bessie said;
"What's she doing? Has she got her hand in that woman's knickers?"
Her Sister, Enid said;
"I think so. It's her from the fish shop, so she might be checking on a new recipe."
Some old woman in a mac said. That the woman's snatch could never be as fishy as Cora's scallops. After the clinch a few of the women said "Disgusting" and tutted. One woman said she felt faint and that her fanny had gone all wavy. As she bent over to get her breath back she grabbed hold of a tit of the woman stood next to her. It was all very surreal. I asked Joanie what she thought of Lesbianism.
Joanie said she was not interested in Lesbianism, saying that all that Palestine and Israel stuff left her mind frazzled. When I pointed out what it meant she said she had tried it and wasn't really taken with it. She had had a go with my hairdresser Sylvia Leech when they were both single. She said Sylvia had scratched her vulva with her acryllic nail and got no joy going down on Sylvia for when she did she saw that Sylvia had a tampon string hanging out.
I've never tried it myself. I have had enough of being rejected by men so I don't want to double my chances with women saying no as well. I do find the female form attractive though. I once posed with another female as a life model at the art school. The other woman said he had a painful labia because she had just had a piercing. She showed it to me. It made the Weetabix I had just had for breakfast come up again.
Joanie said she wanted to return some of Christmas presents. She said she was not exchaging them for alternatives, but was instead going for a cash refund. She suggeested we go in the Legion for a "livener" first - I was happy to comply. She had a huge sack of things all set to go back. She huffed and puffed and moaned about the weight. She said that she had never had a sack in her hand as big as this since she took my son's virginity away. I pretended feign indifference, casually saying
"Which one of my lights of my life did you deflower?" I knew it was unlikely to be Mitchell because, as you know, he is a raging homosexual. He has always been that way. When he was in tummy he used to dance away like St.Vitas every time Hazell Dean came on the wireless. As soon as The Manic Street Preachers came on the same wireless I was tempted to call the Stillborn And Neonatal Death Society. I will never forget the day he was born. It feels like yesterday. I wish it were tomorrow, I would drink a gallon of Traitor's Gate Gin and sit in a scalding bath armed with a knitting needle and Bic razor. When he came out the nurse said
"Mrs. D'Bray you have a beautiful baby.......I think it's a boy. It does has a penis but it's performing fellatio on this dummy."
Mitchell was always a bright baby. He could walk by ten months, mastered the Wigan Stomp at eleven months and his first word, uttered on his first Birthday was "Fab - u - lass" He was always a fashion concsious boy as well. His nappies had sequins on them and at just two years old he could walk as far as Bobby Isherwood's shop in my highest heels. The nappy thing was a problem though. I just couldn't get him dry. He stopped with the brown stuff in his nappies at just seven months. As for the piss, I just couldn't get on top of the problem. Dr.F.A Goode kept saying "He will grow out of it." When I replied that Mitchell was fourteen he just flung his arms about and said
"You are far too alarmist. And with that grating voice of yours is it any wonder he has urinary incontinence, I've just trcikled a bit myself."
So, we're in the Legion and Joanie was moidering me in there about a Moira Anderson CD I had borrowed off her and not returned. I lost my temper and said that I would pop home and get it. When I entered my own house I could hear Mitchell and his on off boyfriend, Warwick Glover upstairs in the bathroom. I said to my useless husband Jack,
"Where are those two? As if I don't know"
He looked at me with bemused eyes. Eyes similar to a cow in a field it chews the cud in. When it saw that the field had been filled in with concrete, and he said
"How the fuck should I know?"
Well, he was right about that - It's pretty fair to say that Jack would not normally know where anyone's bathroom is, including ours. Seeing as the last time he washed his harris Barbara Castle was producing "In Place Of Strife" I liked Barbara, but Jack said she was a communist big mouth like most short statured, red headed women he had met. I wonder who he means....
So I went running upstairs, ready to tackle my son - There's no way I am having my Wimpy home turned into a knocking shop. Except when it is me that is doing the knocking. I was beyond horrified when I saw Warwick stood with one foot on the cistern and the other on my Clairol Foot Spa. He had his rather ample member in one had, directed at Mitchell who was in the bath - wearing my best bra and pants. Not the ones from Beryl's Briefs on Wigan Market - the ones from Contessa Of Paris. Well, so Bobby Isherwood says. I got 36 pairs for a tenner. The elastic goes baggy after to cycles on my Bendix and the gusset is a bit scratchy on my piss flaps.
Mitchell was oblivious to me being in the room because he had an eye mask on. He snarled at Warwick.
"Slash on me you filthy fuck pig." He was laid there, open mouthed with his tongue on his chin.
I stood incredulous as Warwick grimmaced for a few seconds before saying
"It's no good Mitchell I can't piss in front of other people. I had the same aggro at Glastonbury and at the Fox and Hounds last week."
By this time I got my mojo and yelled
"Don't you dare dribble on that pedestal mat."
Mitchell jumped up and said I was a pervert for spying on his intimacies. Me a pervert! Well I like that - Well, yes I do like that, but to be called one by him as he was about to be urinated on whislt in his Mother's underwear. He said he was sick of my interferring in everything he did. I did venture to mention that he wasn't sick of living at my house rent free. He marched into his bedroom, demanding that Warwick follow him. He slammed the door behind them and seconds later he opened it again, throwing my underwear back at me with a caustic "You can have these passion killers back. I only used them so I didn't stain my Aussie Bums."
That might be the case - but it doesn't explain the bra does it?
I got the Moira Anderson CD - which Jack had been resting his Pot Noodle on. I did my best to scrape off what looked like a mushroom off Moira's cheek and hurried back to the Legion. She was laughing with gay Adrian from behind the bar. How they laughed. As I got to the bar I was breathless and ordered a double Traitor's Gate Gin and a Modgodon. I said to Joanie.
"What you two laughing at?"
She finally stopped laughing and said it was because she had shown him some of the junk she was taking back to the shops to get cash refunds for.
"I mean look at this fucking blouse. It's the sort of thing Mary Poppins would get buried in. Who the fuck purchased that frigging rag ? They'r e a cheapskate as well, it's only from New Look. I'll be lucky to get a tenner for this garbage."
She was of course, referring to the gift I had bought her. I said.
"I think it's quite nice. It matches your eyes."
"What? It's purple and red." Was her reply
As I stuck a thumb in each of her eye sockets and pressed as hard as I could. I said
"Yeah, like I said."
So, back to the story. After Joanie rinsed her eyes and put some sunglasses on said she had taken the virginity away of Tarquin Keanu. Well, most of you know that he is only 14. I said
"You what? When? Where? Why?"
She smirked. "You are so old fashioned Chris. Have you just found out The Supremes have split up? When? Last Christmas Eve - Where? His bedroom - Why? He said Chelsea Lattimer in his class had wanked him off behind Greggs and not finished the job because her arm ached and she still had to peel the potatoes for their family Christmas Dinner. Actually Chris, he is a very good lover - you would never have thought it was his first time. My only complaint was that he kept going on Instagram to like Chelsea's pictures of her rabbit, her potato peeling skills and her left boob that she sent with a love heart emoji."
I told her that all the D'Bray's are excellent lovers. It's in our DNA. When I first met Jack he could take my bra off at the same time as he was opening a can of Strongbow. I didn't appreciate her telling me that he was no longer any good since she had that fling with him a couple of years ago. She calls it a fling. It was a drunken shag at the Legion on Rememberence Sunday. It was embarrasing seeing Jack wipe himself clean with a teatowel with her Majesty on it. He didn't think I could see him. Or hear him joke that he was the first man in Wigan to 'Jizz on Liz's face"
Joanine said that I should 'Get With The Programme' She said sexuality was fluid and that since last Wednesday she was pansexual.
"How can you have sex with any of your pans Joanie? They are all greasy and most of them are missing the enamel hand protective cover."
So until next time